My Best Friend's Guy
by jaime12576
Summary: Bella has made bad dates her career. Desperate women hire her to date their ex's to be sure they know how "good" they had it before. But Bella meets her match when she's hired to date Edward Cullen, her best friend's guy. AH,OOC collab with celtic mommy
1. Chapter 1

**Howdy! This is a collaboration between celtic mommy and jaime12576. For those of you freaking out thinking we have abandoned our other stories, put the pills down and step away from the alcohol. We are both still writing our other stories, but couldn't resist this special little tale.**

**And if you haven't read our other stories, read this chapter, review, add it to your story alerts and then promptly go to our profiles and begin reading the genius that is our writing.**

BPOV

_Wedding planning journal with business cards for caterer, DJ, and list of possible ceremony locations?_

_Check._

_Pictures of flower arrangements, engagement rings, and wedding cakes?_

_Check._

_Likes and dislikes of my date?_

_Check._

I looked in the rear view mirror after examining the contents of my large bag. I couldn't stop the grin that appeared on my face, knowing tonight would be so much fun. _Game time, Bella._

I hopped out of my rusty pile of shit once known as a truck – back when gas was only 10 cents a gallon – and casually made my way up the steps to the townhouse owned by my date for the evening.

I gave the door a nice hard set of three knocks and began my wait for tonight's Prince Charming to come sweep me off my feet. I didn't have to wait long as the door flew open before my arm was down by my side.

"Isabella! I wasn't sure if you were going to show up." The baby-face man seemed irritated by my tardiness. I just shrugged my shoulders and waved my hand dismissively.

"Eh. I couldn't remember if we agreed on 7 or 7:30." I smiled sheepishly at him, batting my eyelashes.

"But it's 8." He huffed and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You can't rush perfection, my dear." I gave him a sly grin as I gestured to the outfit I was wearing. Alice and I chose a teal corset with dark wash skinny jeans and black knee high boots. Upon gesturing to the nice view of my girls that he was getting, I knew I was off the hook. His eyes rested on the cleavage spilling out of my top and glazed over slightly.

_Typical male. _I internally rolled my eyes before clearing my throat and getting his attention back to my face.

"So, ready to go?" I gave my signature sweet smile and gestured toward the street with my thumb. I ignored the fact that the moron never invited me in and left me standing in his doorway.

"Oh! Yes. Let me just lock up." He fumbled with his keys for a second before getting his door locked. He turned to me with a wary smile. "Shall we?"

"We shall." I giggled, then promptly internally bitch-slapped myself for that stupid giggle. I was really pulling out all the stops for this tool. "I'm so glad you didn't mind me picking you up and driving. As a single woman in the big city, I feel I can never be too careful and don't allow strangers to visit my apartment." I smiled when he nodded in understanding.

We stopped in front of my beast of a truck and I had to bite my tongue to hold in my laughter over his reaction.

"What's wrong?" I put a hint of concern in my voice.

"Huh?" He looked away from the beast and stared at me for a second before shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts. "Um, is this what you drive?"

I huffed in annoyance and crossed my arms, tilting my head and glaring at him.

"Yes." I hissed through gritted teeth. "Will that be a problem for you?" I kept my eyes narrowed and saw him squirm under my gaze.

"No. No. Just surprised. I could have sworn I saw you driving a different car when you left the shop last week." He backtracked while staring at the red monstrosity. Of course, he was right, but I had to make sure he believed that Big Red was really my beloved truck.

"Good. Glad it won't be a problem." I chirped, ignoring his statement regarding me driving another car. I jumped into the driver's side as he cautiously slid into the passenger's side. I gave him a second to adjust to the smell of stale cigarettes and pine air freshener before launching into the next phase of the date. _The car ride phase is one of my faves! _I stuck the key into the ignition before turning to him.

"Before I start this little beauty, I have to warn you that my radio is broken." I gave him an apologetic look.

"That's fine. I have a bit of a headache at the moment anyway…" He stopped talking when the engine roared to life and mixed with the sounds of Alanis Morrisette's _You Outta Know_ filling the air at a volume that will probably cause our ears to bleed after prolonged exposure.

My date look at me with his puppy dog eyes wide in shock. I shrugged and launched into a quick explanation.

"I was going through a rough break up and had a whole Alanis phase." I yelled over to him as he cringed away from the sound. "I played this song over and over and over and over again. Then one day, as I was singing along something happened and the song just stuck on repeat." I reached over him into the glove compartment and pulled out ear plugs, handing them to him. "Here. These will help."

He nodded, said thanks, although not loud enough to be heard over the truck's roar or Alanis's yelling, and shoved the ear plugs in his ears. _This is going beautifully!_I mentally high fived myself.

Five minutes into the car ride, Alanis was asking if the chick would go down on the guy in a theater for the third time when my phone vibrated. Alice.

"Hey Al." I sang happily into the phone. My date looked at me questioningly. I just put a finger up in a silent request to give me one second.

"Bella. How's the date going?" Alice giggled into my ear.

"No Al. We went over this already. I didn't know it was your brother." I threw my hand in the air, removing it from the steering wheel, in exasperation. I let the car veer slightly before righting, just enough to get my baby-faced passenger to yelp and brace himself with his right foot jamming onto an imaginary brake.

Alice began laughing as I went on. "Shit. It was dark and you both have small dicks. I barely felt anything, so I just assumed it was you. Get over it." Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my date turned to me as I carried on my conversation.

" Nice!" Alice commented. "I love when you use the 'I didn't know it was your brother' line!" She laughed loudly. "I'll talk to you later. Can't wait to hear how this one goes."

"Yeah, yeah. I know!" I shouted into the phone. "Oh, and by the way, the baby isn't yours!" I roughly stabbed the screen of my iPhone to end the call and threw it into my bag.

Looking over at the poor man sitting next to me, I almost felt bad for the schmuck, but I had a mission and I was going to complete it as always.

"Sorry about that. My ex is a fucking douche bag." I rolled my eyes and he offered me a weak smile. I could see the wheels turning in his head while he contemplated whether he should ask about what he heard me say on the call. I said nothing, allowing him to stew over everything.

Another ten minutes later, I pulled up to Taco Rosado, the worst Mexican place in the city. Bert, a slightly crazy ex-Marine, owned the place and was always willing to help me out while on a date. And when on a date with a health inspector, this place was fucking gold.

Now, let me explain a little about Taco Rosado. There are a few points you have to understand to get the full effect of the ambiance, if you will.

First is the smell. The only way to describe it is this. Take thirty children in the midst of potty training – at the point that they refuse the take a shit anywhere but in their pants, but without a diaper. And did I mention the kids are lactose intolerant? Yeah, now give them whole milk and leave them in the room for a few hours. Picture that smell. Now, close the room off for a month and let the smell seep into every nook and cranny in the place. That, my friends, is the smell that hits you as you enter the Bert's fine establishment.

Second is the grime. Taco Rosado has been open for twenty years and in that time, Bert has proudly stated he has never given the place a good cleaning. Not that he needs to tell anyone. The inch-thick sections of dirt and grease everywhere is a pretty good clue.

Third is the décor. Take every cliché Mexican product, eat it, and throw it up. That is just a sampling of what the Mexican décor looks like. There are donkeys handing from the ceiling, piñatas as centerpieces on each table, and sombreros if you come celebrating a birthday.

My little puppy dog of a date followed me as I got out of my truck before he warily looked around the parking lot. I reached my hand back and he latched on tightly, causing me to grin and stifle my laughter. We heard a sound coming from the dumpster near the entrance and my date yelped. I squeezed his hand in reassurance.

"It was just a cat." I smiled. "They take care of killing all the mice around here." His eyes widened and he picked up speed to rush into the restaurant. I followed behind him and was immediately hit with the shitty smell of the restaurant. _Whew! Stings the nostrils a bit._

"Isabella?" My date turned to me worried. I raised my eyebrows in response while contemplating if this was going to be too much for him. I planned to really get him good tonight, but I didn't want to traumatize the guy. "Uh. Are you sure you want to eat…" _Cue burp resonating through dining area from kitchen. I rate that a 5, Bert. "_…here?" He looked around in disgust.

"Of course! I love this place!" I squealed. "Don't be judgmental! Do you have something against Mexicans?" I narrowed my eyes as he shook his head furiously. I relented when I saw Bert poke his head out from the kitchen and give me a wink, nodding his head toward my usual table.

Bert and Betty Lou, his wife and this fine establishment's waitress, are like and aunt and uncle to me. You know the aunt and uncle that no one in the family mentions at get-together's and are never invited to family events in order to avoid any drama or just down-right embarrassing moments? That's Bert and Betty Lou. They are crazy bitches, and funny as hell.

And luckily don't get offended by the fact that I don't eat the food from their restaurant. They order take-out from another Mexican place for me on the nights that I bring a date and serve it to me instead of food cooked on the premises.

I motioned for my companion to follow me to a booth and pointed to the greasy menus for him to take one. I was smart enough to not touch one myself, not in the mood to get swine flu. Another thing that has never been cleaned in this place since opening – the menus.

Betty Lou came to take our order with her perfectly coiffed pink wig, smacking her gum and attempting to blow bubbles. I ordered "the usual", which meant enchiladas from the place down the street. Mike ordered the Cancun Coed, which is a combo of pork chimichangas and fish tacos. I grabbed her before she could walk away.

"Oh, and can you bring two of the 32 oz margaritas?" I smiled at her.

"Um. Isabella. I don't drink." My date whispered to me.

"So?" I furrowed my brows. "Those are for me." I shook my head like he was crazy and smiled at Betty Lou. I knew she would be bringing me my virgin drinks and I could play the tipsy girl soon.

Our conversation was awkward and boring to say the least. He wanted to talk about his family's sporting goods store, which happened to be where we met. I wanted to stab him in the eye with my fork. It was all just so blah, but I knew I was going to spice it up soon enough.

When our food came, I took the opportunity to tell my main squeeze for the night all about my food philosophy.

"You know. The food here is really spicy. And as they say, 'it goes in spicy, comes our spicier', so be careful when you get home tonight. I bet your ass will be burning." I took a huge bite of my food as I watched my date attempt to eat what I assume was a fish taco. At least that's what it smelled like.

While we continued to talk and my escort did his best to keep his meal down, gagging quite frequently, I took it upon myself to dramatically simulate oral sex on the straw of my margarita. It was disgusting and I threw up in my mouth a little at the overdone way I was gave my drink a blow job. My date grimaced as he watched me, while I batted my eyelashes at him.

When we were finished with our meal, I knew it was time to finish up the date with a bang. I reached into my big bag of tricks and pulled out my favorite tools.

"So, Mike." I placed a notebook in front of me and began to write numbers in a pre-made grid. "I have a scoring system I use on all of my dates. According to your score, we are highly compatible. So, good news, I'm willing to marry you." I clapped and gave him a huge smile. His face contorted in confusion.

"I'm sorry. What?" He began looking around the room, obviously trying to see if there was a hidden camera somewhere.

"No need to get emotional. It is a big night for us, but I'm so happy." I jumped up and down in my seat before grabbing my wedding planner. "Okay. I think we should get down to business. I already have an idea of where I want to have the ceremony, but you can come look at locations with me. I am thinking a summer wedding would be nice. Oh, maybe we could go to Cancun and get married! It will be like our first date!" I continued to throw ideas at him for an extravagant wedding before Betty Lou came out with our dessert – Fried Ice Cream of course.

We ate a few bites before I hit something hard. I grinned at my date.

"Oh my!" I put my hand over my mouth and fanned my face as though I was going to cry." I dug into the ice cream and pulled out an engagement ring. "Oh honey!" I shouted and flung myself at my date from my place across from him.

"Um. Isabella." He began, but I cut him off.

"You don't even have to ask. My answer is yes!" I yelled as loudly as I could.

"Okay. That's it!" He jumped up from his seat. I stared at him wide-eyed. "I don't know what the fuck is going on here. And I don't know what the hell happened to the shy quiet girl who came into the store asking for help on camping equipment, but you are sure as hell not her." He dug into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, throwing cash on the table. "There. That's enough for our dinner. You" He started, pointing at me "are one crazy bitch. I don't know what is wrong with you, but you really need professional help."

I bowed my head and my shoulders shook as tearless sobs wracked my body. I kept this up as I heard his rant continue while he stormed out of the restaurant, shouting that he would get a cab home and to never call him again.

"Awesome job, girlie." I looked up at Betty Lou, who was standing at the table with a shit eating grin. "He stuck it out longer than any of the other dates you brought here. " She winked at me before walking back to the kitchen. I grabbed my phone and made a call.

"This is Bella. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes." I hung up, waved to Betty Lou and Bert and made my way to the truck.

I ditched the truck in my garage and switched to drive my baby, a silver Audi r8, and sped over to Whitlock's. Walking into the bar, I was greeted by the bouncers and much of the staff. This was my favorite place to come, especially after one of my dates. I scanned the crowd and immediately found who I was looking for.

"Hi Bella!" Her annoying nasally voice was like an ice pick to my ears.

"Hi Jessica, has he called?" I had a 100% guarantee rate and I felt smug already knowing the answer.

"Yes. He called right after you called to meet here! He said the wedding is back on! I am going to be Mrs. Mike Newton in less than 2 months!" She jumped up and wrapped her arms tightly around me. I allowed her a quick hug before placing my hand out, palm up. "Oh, sorry." She placed a roll of bills in my hand.

"Great doing business with you. Glad I could be of assistance." I patted her head and shoved the money in my purse. Turning toward the bar, I saw my buddy and favorite bartender, Jasper.

"Hey Bells!" He slid me my beer. "Tell me all about the date tonight."

And just like I have for the past 3 years, I went into detail with Jasper about my date for the evening. He always thought it was funny that I put so many men through such torture, but it was for the greater good. Women hired me to show their idiot boyfriends or fiancés that they could have it far worse. I like to consider myself to be cupid in a way – without the diaper and with a kick ass body.

**So should we go on or go back to the drawing board????? Reviews are our form of payment :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Celtic Mommy and I would like to thank everyone who added our story as an alert or reviewed!!!!! Just so everyone knows Celtic Mommy will be writing Bella's POV and I'll be taking Edward's POV. The first chapter of this story was written by Celtic Mommy and I took the second chapter. Going forward we will both be writing the chapter's together so you get a little E&B each time ******** We love hearing from you so keep the reviews coming. It makes us write faster! Also be on the lookout for updates to both Tainted Love (Celtic Mommy ) and Officemates ( Jaime12576)**

**This story is Rated M for a reason. It may seem all cute and funny now but Kimi and I love lemony goodness and plan on having lots of it in here. So if you're underage you may want to find a different story to read. **

**Stephenie Meyer owns it all, we are just borrowing. **

**EPOV**

Toothbrush, box of tampons and Air Supply's Greatest Hits CD.

_Check._

Framed photo of us in front of my parents Christmas tree. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean the photo of me and my sister Rosalie in front of our parents Christmas tree that Tanya photoshopped my sister out of and herself into…_how fucking creepy is that?_ We hadn't even dated during the holidays.

_Check._

List of 100+ reasons I couldn't date her anymore and a list of mental health facilities in the area for when I ran through my 100+ reasons for not dating her and she still wants to know why she can't see me tomorrow.

_Check._

I placed all the items into a box and loaded it into the back of my Volvo. Looking at my watch, I noticed I had 30 minutes to make it across town to meet Tanya for dinner. She didn't know it yet but tonight was the night I was officially ending us, if there really ever was an "us" to begin with.

I had been trying to shake her for 3 long fucking months now. They had been the longest months of my entire life. It was only supposed to be one date. A favor of sorts, one simple date with my personal trainer's cousin who just moved to Seattle from Phoenix, that's all it was supposed to be. I wasn't looking for long term and certainly not marriage. Unfortunately Barbie had other ideas, ideas that included me and a house full of screaming rugrats. Damn that reminds me, I forgot to grab the baby name book she brought over last weekend. She had book marked all of her personal favorites. I was almost to the restaurant anyways, I wasn't turning around now. I'll just burn the book when I get home.

Ten minutes later and I was walking into Tanya's favorite "fancy" Italian restaurant, Olive Garden with the box of her shit under my arm. It only took me a second to locate her. How the hell could I miss her, frosted blonde hair, orange glow tan and a bright lime green tube top with her fake botched tits hanging out. She spent the better part of our first date bragging about how cheap she got her "tits" done in Mexico. Yeah, really classy she referred to them as tits. I could see why they were so cheap. Her nipples weren't aligned correctly and pointed in opposite directions. She looked like a broken compass for god sake.

As I crossed the room I watched as she ate a breadstick unaware of my arrival. I'm not sure if eating was the correct word to use since it looked more like she was performing fellatio on it. I cringed as I noticed the woman at the next table covering her child's eyes from the spectacle Tanya was making of herself. In all fairness Tanya probably didn't even realize what she was doing. She wasn't exactly the brightest bulb on the tree. Lucky for her admittance to Miss Pinky's Academy of Doggie Stylists and Dog Whisperers didn't require a high IQ. Apparently her talents reached beyond just grooming as she told me she was able to communicate with the dogs and they were able tell her what kind of hairstyle they really wanted. She's a stylist not a groomer. I made the mistake once of referring to her as a dog groomer. I never made it again.

"Eddie!" She squealed loud enough for half the room to hear.

I internally cringed at her use of the name Eddie. I had asked her on many occasions to please call me Edward. How difficult is it to say Edward? I didn't plan on seeing her again after tonight so I didn't feel the need to correct her. I pulled the chair out directly opposite her and sat down placing the box under the table by my feet. I watched her eyes sparkle as they followed the box under the table.

"Eddie, did you buy me a present?" She clapped her hands in excitement much like a small child would. As she bent over to look under the table her top shifted and I froze in horror as her nipple slipped out exposing herself to everyone. Before I had time to react properly, like running my fucking ass out of there, I heard a gasp from the young man who came by to take our drink order. The poor guy stood there with a mix of horror and lust splashed across his face.

Thankfully my body caught up with my brain and I was up and out of my chair covering her chest with my napkin within seconds.

"Eddie, can't you wait until we get home?" She giggled obviously misreading my actions.

"Tanya, your top fell down and you just flashed the entire restaurant! You need to adjust your shirt before anyone else notices." I whispered in her ear. Trying to act as natural as possible, I casually looked around the restaurant to see if we had drawn anymore attention to the scene I was sure we were making. By the looks of it we had managed not to draw anymore unwanted attention to us.

"Oops." She said as she slid her shirt back in place. Not a trace of embarrassment in her voice.

Shaking my head I returned to my seat. The server was still at our table waiting for our drink order or possibly waiting for the next peep show. Either way I needed him to go away.

I looked at the acne faced kid and told him "We needed a minute." He just shrugged and walked away.

What I had to do next needed to be done as quickly as possible. Like ripping a band aid off, there was no need dragging out the inevitable and the discomfort. I had planned on waiting until after dinner but figured now was as good a time as any. I wasn't a complete asshole and didn't want to hurt her but it was time. I reached into my pocket and felt for the list of mental facilities in the area just in case.

"Tanya, we need to talk. Things aren't working out and I think its best we end things." The mega watt smile she had earlier quickly evaporated. Trying to keep the momentum going and my nerve up I continued. "You're a great girl but we just want different things." It wasn't a lie. We really did want different things. She wanted me and I didn't want her. She wanted marriage and kids and commitment. Those were not things I wanted at this point in my life, maybe in a few years with the right girl but not now and certainly not with her. Hell I hadn't even introduced her to any of my friends and there was no way in hell I was introducing her to my family. My parents didn't even know I was seeing her and the only reason Rose knew about her was because she called while Tanya was in the car and heard her in the background.

I bent over to retrieve the box from under the table. I placed it on the table sliding it across to her without saying anything.

"What is this?" She asked motioning with her hands towards the box. She moved the box closer to her peering inside. Her eyes started to pool with unshed tears as she pulled the doctored photo of us from the box. "This is my favorite picture of us." She said as she ran her fingers over the picture her fluorescent pink acrylic nails scraping against the glass.

I shook my head in amazement.

"Tanya, it's the only picture of us and it's not really of the two of us. It's of me and my sister and you've never even been to my parent's house and we didn't date during the holidays. This is what I mean when I say we want different things. It's best this way." I took out my wallet laying more than enough money down to take care of the waiter for his troubles and stood up to leave.

"Eddie, wait!" She pleaded as she stood up reaching for my arm. I kept by hand by my side refusing to make contact.

"Don't make this harder than it has to be Tanya. I need to get going. I wish you all the best."

With my last words, I turned and walked about of the restaurant. I didn't stop until I reached my car. I slid into the driver's seat turning the car on. I reached into my pocket for my cell phone scrolling through my contacts until I found Jacob's number. He answered on the third ring.

"Hey man, are you busy?

* * * *

_**TPOV**_

Three months. Three magical, wonderful months was how long I had been with my Eddie. Today was going to be special. I just knew it. Call it women's intuition but I knew Eddie was going to take our relationship to the next level tonight. He had invited me for dinner tonight and he told me to pick out any restaurant I wanted to go to. Of course I picked the _BEST _Italian restaurant everOlive Garden. I just adored their breadsticks.

I took special care in selecting my outfit for tonight. I pulled out my lime green tube top out from the garment bag that hung in the back of my closet. I only wore it for special occasions since it was my _lucky _shirt. I wanted everything to be just perfect.

I spent hours today at the salon I worked at getting primped and pampered for my big date. Normally the girls at the salon only work on dogs but they are just so good I wanted them to do mine for my big night. Thankfully we are full service salon and I was able to get my nails done too, to match my outfit.

I couldn't help but feel like the luckiest girl in the world, having met Eddie after just moving to town. I had recently moved to Seattle from Phoenix where I had lived my whole life. I knew I needed a change after my last boyfriend broke up with me. I still don't know what I did wrong. Everything seemed to be going well and then he just broke up with me. He said he had been telling me for a while that he didn't want to see me anymore. When I asked him when he said this to me he said he told me on 5 separate occasions that he told me he thought we should see other people. Well yeah I remembered him saying that but I thought he meant he wanted to do one of those kinky 3 way things. He actually had a whole list written down of all the reasons he couldn't see me anymore. Who brings a written list when breaking up with someone?

The time on my Hello Kitty alarm clock told me I needed to shake a leg if I wanted to get there on time. I didn't want to keep Eddie waiting. Looking in the full length mirror I had to admit even to myself how great my tits looked in this top. Getting my implants was the best thousand dollars I've ever spent. Eddie, eat your heart out.

~~~*****~~~

I made it to Olive Garden with time to spare. I was promptly seated as a server delivered a basket of breadsticks to our table. I was nibbling on one when Eddie approached our table carrying a rather large box. I couldn't contain my excitement of a possible gift from my Eddie. He hadn't given me any gifts since we started dating.

I really didn't get to see much of him either since he was always busy working. But I just knew after tonight all that would change and I would finally get to meet his friends and family. _My future family._ My eyes followed as he sat down and placed the box under the table. Why would he hide my present?

"Eddie, did you buy me a present?" I couldn't help but be excited, clapping my hands. I felt like I was five and it was my birthday. Wanting to sneak a peek at my gift I bent over to look under the table. Within seconds Eddie was all over me. We had been taking our relationship slow so I was thrilled when I thought Eddie was trying to get fresh, even though we were in a high class establishment.

"Eddie, can't you wait until we get home?" I giggled playfully chastising him.

"Tanya, your top fell down and you just flashed the entire restaurant! You need to adjust your shirt before anyone else notices."

I looked down and he was right, my nipple was exposed. "Oops." I adjusted my top so everything was covered. I couldn't understand why Eddie looked so upset though. It's just a nipple.

I was happy when he asked the waiter to give us a minute. The kid was giving me the creeps the way he was staring at my chest. Now it was just me and my Eddie. How did I ever get so lucky? I just knew he was the one, the love of my life, the future father of my children. Nothing could ruin tonight.

"Tanya, we need to talk. Things aren't working out and I think its best we end things."

_What the fuck!_

"You're a great girl but we just want different things."

_What the fuck!_

I watched as he placed the box from under the table in front of me. "What is this?" I asked motioning towards the box. Something told me it wasn't a gift. On the top was my favorite picture of the two of us. There must be some mistake. Eddie and I are soul mates; we aren't supposed to break up. How can we have babies and get married if we aren't together?

"This is my favorite picture of us," my voice was no more than a whisper. The picture was becoming blurry from my unshed tears.

"Tanya, it's the only picture of us and it's not really of the two of us. It's of me and my sister and you've never even been to my parent's house and we didn't date during the holidays. This is what I mean when I say we want different things. It's best this way."

I watched as he stood up throwing some money on the table. Was he leaving now?

"Eddie, wait!" I reached out for him but he refused me.

"Don't make this harder than it has to be Tanya. I need to get going. I wish you all the best."

And then he was gone. He just left, no hug, no kiss goodbye. He just left.

It took three Shirley Temple's and another basket of breadsticks until I was calm enough to think.

There was only one person who could help me right now. Only one person who could make Eddie see that he was making the biggest mistake of life. I'll be damned if he is taking away my happily ever after. Pulling my cell out I instantly found the number I was looking for. She picked up after the second ring.

"Bella, I have a job for you."

**No offense was meant to Dog Stylist's or Groomers, people who can talk to dogs and those who think Olive Garden is a "fancy" restaurant. **

**So should we continue???? Please review it warms our hearts and makes our inbox happy. Oh that sounded dirty :)**


	3. Barbie Girl

**Thank you to those of you who have reviewed and added our little collaboration to your alerts. We really hope you are enjoying this story so far. Jaime and I want to remind you to check out our other stories – Jaime just updated OfficeMates last night and my story, Tainted Love should be updated this weekend. Both are must-reads in our ever-so-humble opinion. And if you are waiting for some lemony action, trust us when we say there will be lemons o' plenty in chapters to come. We just didn't want to come out guns a blazin'. (I said come…heehee) So, stick with us because we aim to please… **

**Disclaimer: Twilight is not ours. We just have the desire to do naughty things with the characters. **

**Chapter 3**

**BPOV**

"So he fainted?" Jasper managed to pant out as his hysterical laughter began to subside.

"Not before vomiting all over the place and telling everyone there they are all sick human beings that deserved to rot in hell." I was finishing up my details of the date with a poor soul named Alec. His ex, a very strange girl named Jane, insisted on the full package. Apparently their break-up was epic and it was going to take a lot to get him back, so she felt it would be best to go for the best…or worst, however you look at it, date I offer.

And that date included a trip to Hot Dog World for dinner. Being a vegan, poor Alec was immediately disgusted by the videos of how hot dogs are made, from start to finish, playing throughout the tiny shack. And when I say start to finish, you meet Bessy…your hot dog for the evening.

As soon as I pushed him in the door, I could tell that he was trying very hard not to react to the situation as to not offend me. Unfortunately for him, I'm more of a get-him-to-react kind of gal and I was willing to do anything necessary to at least get him to cry. When he politely declined the chili cheese dog I ordered for him, I sobbed into my hands. I mumbled out a rant about how stupid I was for ruining the date with the most wonderful man on the planet.

As expected, this caused him to tell me the date wasn't ruined (_sucker)_ and bravely take a huge bite of his hot dog, chili dripping onto his lap and juice from the tube of meat squirting in his eye. I watched as he grimaced, chewed, and swallowed before plastering on a huge smile to show me he liked it.

While his eyes were still trained on me, I proceeded to take my corn dog and perform obscene acts on it, being careful not to take a bite of the disgusting thing. Knowing he was a virgin, saving himself for marriage with a strict moral code – _practically a priest_ – I worked the corn dog with fervor.

It took exactly 10.3 seconds for the bite Alec took, along with everything else in his stomach to come back up and land on the floor at his feet. He looked down at the mess he made, back up at me, and promptly fainted. Taking that as my cue to leave, I waved to Billy, the owner, who would take care of things and made my way to Whitlock's. Jane gladly handed me the money for payment, stating she already received a call from Alec already and was on her way to meet him at the hospital. _Another happy customer! _

"Wow Bella. I don't think you have had that happen before." Jasper chuckled. "I absolutely love your date nights. Your stories are the best!"

"Thanks Jazz. I aim to please." I winked at my favorite bartender as I took a big gulp of my beer.

"So…" He began, but I already knew what the rest of his sentence would be so I cut him off.

"How is Alice?" I finished for him, causing him to blush. I shook my head. If one of them would finally grow some balls, they would figure out they are both crushing on each other in a bad way. Before I had a chance to answer him and ask when his balls would be descending or if he decided to just go ahead and grow a vagina since he is such a pussy, my phone interrupted. The annoying lyrics of _Barbie Girl_ indicated my roommate was calling.

I slid the arrow over on my iPhone to answer the call and before I had a chance to say hello, I heard her high-pitched voice on the other line.

"Bella. I have a job for you." Tanya screeched into my ear. She sounded near hysterics, which wasn't too far from normal for her, but I was still slightly concerned.

"What's wrong, Tanya?" I rolled my eyes at Jasper, who chuckled while walking to the other end of the bar to help his paying customers while I was occupied.

"What isn't wrong Bella?" She whined into the phone.

"Is that a rhetorical question?" I asked when there was too much of a pause on her end.

"A what?" She huffed. "Damn it Bella. You know I don't understand your fancy words. Seriously, I think you make them up just to make me feel stupid. In fact, I asked the girls at the salon if ignorant is even a word and you know what they said…" I couldn't take any more of her mindless drivel, so I spoke up before she could tell me what her idiot co-workers had to say.

"Fuck Tanya. Get to the fucking point of the call." I growled into the phone. She was interrupting my post-date wind down.

"Oopsie. Silly me." She paused and I was just about to hang up my phone when she finally spoke again. "Can you meet me back at home? I really need my bestie right now." She was back to whining, so I knew she felt whatever was going on was extremely important.

"Um, yeah." I waved to Jasper to let him know I was leaving, receiving the middle finger from him for not paying…again. "Give me about twenty minutes."

As I drove home, I thought about how I got into this situation as Tanya's best friend and roommate. It wasn't like I asked for those titles, they were handed to me like some kind of ass backwards version of royalty. Tanya's family, the Denali's, moved next door to my house in Phoenix when we were 6 years old. Our mothers became fast friends and our fathers went fishing together every weekend. This in turn, meant we had a cook-out or fish-fry every weekend with the Denali's.

Tanya's older sister, Irina, was a huge bitch and made Tanya's life a living hell. So, with our parents being so close, she decided to befriend me in an effort to get away from her sister. In the beginning we had a lot in common. We were 6, so we both liked to color, draw, swing, you get the picture.

By the time we reached middle school, we were inseparable. We were both in extremely awkward stages, me with glasses and her with braces. We were so close, neither one of us really made an effort to befriend anyone else. Looking back on it, this was my downfall.

It wasn't until sophomore year of high school that we both began to develop. Tanya seemed to develop a little more than me and boys began paying a lot of attention to her. I was there for her, her 'wingwoman' as it were, through her many boyfriends and flings. As much as I couldn't stand what she was becoming, I couldn't get myself to turn my back on her. It wasn't like I had any other friends and she always reminded me how much she needed me. In fact, she graduated high school thanks to me doing her homework for her. That, and her special visits to the principal's office each Wednesday during lunch.

We went our separate ways in college - me to college and her to Miss Pinky's – and I thought I had gotten rid of her. It was horrible of me to be excited that I wouldn't have to put up with her stupidity any more, but I couldn't help it. I was so happy that I was going to be able to use grown-up words that I got past the guilt pretty quickly. We kept in touch through email and very sporadic -_ another word she thinks I made up - _phone calls, but that was it.

To say I was surprised 3 months ago when she called me asking for a place to stay when she moved would be an understatement. But, of course, I couldn't say no to her. She is my oldest friend and for some reason I feel loyal to her. Plus, it was only until she found a place of her own…which brings us to 3 fucking months later where she is still living with me rent free and calling MY condo OURS.

I walked into _my_ condo exactly twenty minutes after ending the call with Tanya and found her curled up in fetal position, her favorite box of fancy wine sitting on the coffee table, and Disney's _Lady and the Tramp_ playing on the TV.

"Tan?" I called quietly to her. She looked catatonic and I wasn't sure if now was the time to tell her that her nipples were staring at me since her tub top seemed to have given up trying to hold those bad boys back.

_Wait! She's wearing the lime green tube top! Oh shit! She had that big date tonight!_

"Tanya, honey?" I tried to get her attention again, and her eyes moved to my face as she pulled the box of wine closer to her and drank from the nozzle. It was then that I noticed the huge trail of snot from her nose to her chin. Quickly grabbing a box of Kleenex, I rushed to her and began to clean her face.

"What happened sweetie?" I questioned softly.

"Eddie"…sniff…"broke"…sniff sniff…"up"…sniff…"with meeee." The sound of an animal dying filled the air and I turned to see if Discovery channel was on, only to realize it was coming from the sobbing mess on the sofa.

"Come on. Let's get you cleaned up." _And get your snotty ass off of my sofa before you ruin it._ I pulled her up and led her to the bathroom, leaning her against the sink. Thirty minutes later, she was free from her raccoon eyes and smudged lipstick, her hair was brushed out (_and I'm pretty sure she had the same bows in her hair that I saw on Alice's Shih Tzu the other day_), and I got her dressed in her hot pink baby-doll lingerie set. _Don't say anything. It was the one that offered the most coverage._

I sat her on her bed and she poured out the entire story of the events that took place that evening. I heard about the extravagant dinner he took her to at Olive Garden, the fact that she thought he was either going to propose or ask her to move in with him, and then him asking for a little space. She explained that he is just very nervous about how deeply he feels for her and needed to take a short break for some time to think.

I have to admit that I zoned out a few times during her rambling because I was entranced by her neon pink nail polish and the way it contrasted with the orange tint to her overly self-tanned skin. She went on and on, lamenting about this douche bag leaving her alone at the restaurant, which she claims was because he was beginning to get so emotional that he needed to leave. I really felt bad for her. She may be flaky at best, but she didn't deserve for him to walk out on their date.

"So this is where you come in, B." I snapped my head up and saw her looking at me with a hopeful expression on her face.

"Huh?" I was confused, thinking I missed part of the conversation.

"I want to hire you to date him and make him realize he is just being a silly-willy and that we are meant to be together." Tanya got on her knees in front of me, a position I know for a fact she is familiar with, and gave me a pleading look. I sighed.

"T. You know my rule. I don't date anyone for friends or family." I looked away from the puppy dog pout she was giving me. _She's been working around those damn creatures for far too long._

"B! He's my soul mate!" She sobbed in my knee. "I have already found an OBGYN to use when we start our family. And my cousin went online to become a minister, so she is going to perform our wedding ceremony. I want you to be my maid of honor. I just need you to do your part and get us back together." She was practically on my lap once she finished with her begging. I patted her on the head and sighed in frustration.

"Just let me think about it. I need to decide if I am ready to break my one rule." I grabbed her face and forced her to look at me. "Do you love him?" I questioned.

She hesitated.

"Tanya. You know the drill. When you can tell me you love him, we'll talk some more. In the mean time, I'll think about it." I raised my eyebrows at her to question if she understood what I meant. She nodded and allowed me to push her off of my lap and onto the bed.

**Up next is Edward......**


End file.
